well i get email from lot off people in the radio , tv and print Media so here gose , you want to be sitting down now
true stories from newspapers
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur
Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree
it was rather high for
the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been
charged for the gas
used up during the explosion that destroyed his
house.” (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for
shoplifting had a whole salami
in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was
because she was missing
her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search
for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special
Branch vehicle and they
don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Irish Times )
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of
inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast
guard spokesman
commented, “This sort of thing is all too common”.
(The Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster
radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he
was sorry, but he
didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help,
the wind had just blown
his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe,
delighted the audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war
who was sent each week
to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of
1945, she recalled.
“He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when
the crocuses came up in
the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt
out ‘Heil Hitler.’”
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube
train drivers have made to
their passengers…
1) “Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the
delay to your service. I
know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to
cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”
2) “Your delay this evening is caused by the line
controller suffering from
E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I’ll let you know
any further information as soon as I’m given any.”
3) “Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and
had a great time. The
bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and
East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our
destination.”
4) “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the
delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are
therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it
and pass some time
together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles,
hanging on a
wall…..’.”
5) “We are now travelling through Baker Street… As
you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they
had actually told me, so
I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think
about things like that”.
6) “Beggars are operating on this train. Please do
NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change,
please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.”
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central
Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this
way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are
not provided.”
8) “Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause
.) “Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -
I’m going home….”
9) “Please allow the doors to close. Try not to
confuse this with ‘Please
hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and
separate instructions.”
10) “Please note that the beeping noise coming from
the doors means that
the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags
into the doors.”
11) “We can’t move off because some idiot has their
hand stuck in the
door.”
12) “To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat
trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of ‘stand clear of the
doors’ don’t you
understand?”
13) “Please move all baggage away from the doors.”
(Pause..) “Please move
ALL belongings away from the doors.” (Pause…)
“This is a personal message
to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the train: Put
the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf
clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
sideways!”
14) “May I remind all passengers that there is
strictly no smoking allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are
smoking a joint, it’s
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
carriage.”
